She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
