She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
