My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Randomize
