If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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