hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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