Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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