Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
you inspire me to be a worse person
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
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