Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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