well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
