By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
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