I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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