I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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