Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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