would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
