Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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