No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
