Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Randomize
