My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
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