guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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