I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Randomize
