Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
