don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
