Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
