he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
