I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
