I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
