why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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