No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
