There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
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