Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
