I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
