went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
