there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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