Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
