i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
