You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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