I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
