I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
