We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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