He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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