I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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