Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
