Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Randomize
