Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Actions speak louder than pants.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Randomize
