I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
