I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
