Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
