Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
please come you make the beer taste better
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
