umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Dude, Erin Andrews has a nude video circulating the internet.
Is it any good?
Let me put it this way: I bet Stuart Scott's lazy eye went straight after watching that.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Randomize
