I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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