awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
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You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
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What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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