at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
two words...techno handjob
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
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