It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
then he tried to convert me to islam
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
