Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
