my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
