put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Randomize
